I want a baby, that much is clear!
God, give me one, to love and hold dear.
A baby to cherish all of my days,
I swear I will give you all the credit and praise.
There are many out there who are are evil and preverse,
so why do I get to have this infertility curse?
A 16 year old girl delivers a healthy baby boy,
and throws him away like a broken old toy.
Or the drug addict mom who beats her kids til they cry
all because they stand between her and her next high.
Or the worn out woman who can't take much more
gets those 2 little lines that I have desperately been waiting for.
So what can I do to turn the tides in my favor?
I'll do anything you ask, I'll sign any waiver!
Please make it stop, this longing and fear
and give me a beautiful baby, that I can hold near!
To all the angel babies out there, help your mommies out this year . . . help them see that while they will never forget you, happiness is possible with healthy pregnancies and babies.
To all the mommies of angels out there . . . look to the sky, seek out that cloud and know that you have an angel looking down from above.
~~~~~~Baby Dust~~~~~~~
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Patience Rose
Many have asked how the heck I got the name for my blog . . . it is really a funny story actually!
Throughout my journey with trying to get pregnant, my miscarriage and all of the fertility treatments, I have heard all of the following:
"If it is meant to be, it will be"
"God has a plan for all of us"
"It will happen, just relax"
"It will happen when you least expect it"
And all of those sayings make me want to punch something :) Sorry people, but they aren't helpful, they aren't solution based, and basically tell me that I can't really do a darn thing about it, so quit trying.
So one day Bobby's aunt, Rose, made the mistake of telling me, through Facebook chat none the less, "Patience, my dear." I had really had enough and I snapped back, in my sternest Facebook chat voice, "If you tell me that one more time, I will get even with you by naming my damn kid Patience." And so, Patience Rose was born . . . pardon the pun.
So for those of you that have asked . . . no I am not really going to name any future children I may have Patience Rose . . . or will I? It kind of grows on ya don't you think. Until they are about 3 and you look like an idiot in the grocery store yelling "PATIENCE! You come here right now!" Hahahaha, wouldn't that be the best joke of all! Bobby would refuse to go anywhere with us :)
Let the countdown begin!
Throughout my journey with trying to get pregnant, my miscarriage and all of the fertility treatments, I have heard all of the following:
"If it is meant to be, it will be"
"God has a plan for all of us"
"It will happen, just relax"
"It will happen when you least expect it"
And all of those sayings make me want to punch something :) Sorry people, but they aren't helpful, they aren't solution based, and basically tell me that I can't really do a darn thing about it, so quit trying.
So one day Bobby's aunt, Rose, made the mistake of telling me, through Facebook chat none the less, "Patience, my dear." I had really had enough and I snapped back, in my sternest Facebook chat voice, "If you tell me that one more time, I will get even with you by naming my damn kid Patience." And so, Patience Rose was born . . . pardon the pun.
So for those of you that have asked . . . no I am not really going to name any future children I may have Patience Rose . . . or will I? It kind of grows on ya don't you think. Until they are about 3 and you look like an idiot in the grocery store yelling "PATIENCE! You come here right now!" Hahahaha, wouldn't that be the best joke of all! Bobby would refuse to go anywhere with us :)
Let the countdown begin!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sadness gives way to Optimism
3 years ago today, at just about this same time, Bobby and I found out that our precious peanut that we were so excited to finally have, was gone.
In July 2007, 3 days before Bobby's 27th Birthday, we under went our first IUI in Iowa City. August 8th, we found out that our treatment was successful and we began to anxiously await the 7 week ultrasound that would tell us how many I was carrying.
At that ultrasound, we got the one and only picture of our peanut and got to see it's heart beating for the first time. What a sight that was! After 3 years of trying, 1 year with help, we were seeing the beating heart of our child that was growing inside of me.
I was feeling great, no morning sickness, just some passing nausea. I was definitely having pregnancy symptoms. My chest area, already too large in my opinion, felt like I had bowling balls in my bra. I developed a sudden aversion to anything tomato, making foods like spaghetti, tacos, sloppy joes and pizza no longer my favorites. I did, however, become very fixated on Arby's roast beef sandwiches and grilled chicken salad with ranch dressing! At 11 weeks, I was to the point where jeans were still ok, but I was having to use the rubberband around the button trick on my dress pants.
And the shopping had begun. Bobby and I hit up a few garage sales, but we were good, the only thing we bought was a miniature Hawkeye jersey. But I was online every night looking at room ideas, bedding, clothes, strollers, car seats, etc.
Many people say 12 weeks is the magic time when it is "ok" to start telling friends and family the good news. But that goes right out the window when you have awesome friends and family who have been supporting you through our journey. People in my family and friend circle probably knew more about when my monthly period was due than when their own should come. They knew we had the procedure, and they knew when we should find out if it worked. And let's face it . . . after trying that long I wasn't going to keep it to myself for long. Within an hour of me getting that positive test, the crew at Namasco knew (due to the hysterical phone call my husband received while standing by his coworkers), Bobby's mom, my mom and dad, and several really close friends all knew. My SIL wouldn't answer her phone because she was shopping at Walmart and I think she probably had 10 missed calls from me :) I made it one whole day before telling my brother's girlfriend (now wife) and a whole 5 days before telling my brother (because he was living in Platteville, and I planned an "uncle" present for him). And after the 7 week ultrasound when we saw that tiny heart beating, I told people at work and my boss. You know, there is only a 1% chance of miscarriage after you see that beating heart.
1% seems so small, but in hindsight, it was looming right in front of us. On the evening of September 26, 2007, at 11 weeks 1 day pregnant, I came home to find some blood when I wiped after going to the bathroom. Frantic, we headed to the ER, where I was given an ultrasound and a Rhogam shot and told everything looked fine, but to follow up the next day with my regular OB. September 27, Bobby went to work and I made an appointment with my regular OB. I told him to stay at work, that we had been reassured the night before that everything was fine
and I didn't want him to waste the sick time. And I had no spotting since the previous night. But an hour before the appointment, I went to the bathroom and found blood again. I called Bobby and told him he better come with me. An hour later, the ultrasound tech confirmed that we had indeed lost our peanut.
3 years later, the hurt has dulled a bit. I can still cry about it today, but I can now talk about all of it without breaking down most days. I have found a voice in myself and have helped others through the process of infertility, etc. I have gotten several comments regarding this blog from people I didn't even know were struggling with the same issues we are.
Since my miscarriage, we have lost 3 important people in our lives that our children will only know through stories and pictures. But I know Dean, Scott and my grandpa are with our peanut now, trying to ease the hurt that all 4 of them have left in our hearts.
I can only hope that soon I will look into the eyes of my living, breathing child and see the reflection of our little peanut in them and know that they had a hand in our newest miracle.
Thank you to the family who has always been there for us . . . sometimes I feel silly holding on to this anniversary, like I should just get over it or something. But then someone else always remembers, and someone reaches out . . . and I realize I don't have to forget either.
Let our new journey begin!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Someone to love
I probably shouldn't be posting this while riding the tide of emotions that are washing through me right now.
At 12:58 pm this afternoon, it was announced that Dubuque police recovered what appears to be human remains in the backyard of a house. The house is occupied by a mother and her 6 kids. The police came to be in that backyard because someone notified police that the 2 year old little girl that lived there had not been seen for at least a month, maybe longer. The mother refused to cooperate with police and sent them on wild goose chase after wild goose chase, all along knowing that the child they were looking for was buried in the same backyard that she had played in with her friends and siblings only months earlier. I saw and talked to some of the officers, investigators and county attorney employees both yesterday when this all started and today. I know that they were working 24 hours a day, praying under their breath, so that they could find this child safe and unharmed. I saw their fatigue battling with their desperation to find this baby.
20 months old is too young to die, but no one of any age should have their last thought on earth be that the person they loved the most is the one who hurt them the most.
To you Tamelia Harris, I say this: There are thousands of women out there who would give anything to have the beautiful children that you do. Thousands of women would have taken Cecelia and loved her like a mother should. Hell, I would have taken her and loved her if you couldn't. We shouldn't even call you her mother, because a real mother could never, NEVER, do what you did.
At 12:58 pm this afternoon, it was announced that Dubuque police recovered what appears to be human remains in the backyard of a house. The house is occupied by a mother and her 6 kids. The police came to be in that backyard because someone notified police that the 2 year old little girl that lived there had not been seen for at least a month, maybe longer. The mother refused to cooperate with police and sent them on wild goose chase after wild goose chase, all along knowing that the child they were looking for was buried in the same backyard that she had played in with her friends and siblings only months earlier. I saw and talked to some of the officers, investigators and county attorney employees both yesterday when this all started and today. I know that they were working 24 hours a day, praying under their breath, so that they could find this child safe and unharmed. I saw their fatigue battling with their desperation to find this baby.
20 months old is too young to die, but no one of any age should have their last thought on earth be that the person they loved the most is the one who hurt them the most.
To you Tamelia Harris, I say this: There are thousands of women out there who would give anything to have the beautiful children that you do. Thousands of women would have taken Cecelia and loved her like a mother should. Hell, I would have taken her and loved her if you couldn't. We shouldn't even call you her mother, because a real mother could never, NEVER, do what you did.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Independence Day!
Recently, a friend started fertility treatments. Unfortunately, their first treatment failed :( I tried to muster up my most helpful words of encouragement, hope, faith and strength. Easier said than done. After 6 years, it was difficult to find the words of optimism that we all need when we are down. The platitudes of "It will happen," "It was only your first try," "Don't give up, it took my other friend 6 times to get pregnant," seemed to be just words of comfort with little truth behind them. I have heard them month after month after month from family, friends, and co-workers. But then again, aren't those the same words that have kept me going back month after month after month to try one more time?
I finally found the words for my friend that rang with truth and still had that element of comfort and compassionate, but without the false platitudes. I told my friend that the best way to get through the hardships of infertility is to do it with your partner. No one else "gets it" like they do. No one else sees every hot flash, every mood swing, every pill that you take, every shot in the thigh, every tear that falls out of disappointment and frustration, or the 3 minutes of anticipation while we wait to read the test. And no one, NO ONE, will be as happy when that test comes up +.
I followed that insightful comment with some advice: When the treatments fail, do something spontaneous and fun that makes all of your friends with kids jealous! Celebrate your couple time! This doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive, just spur of the moment. Bobby and I can pack up and leave at a moments notice for vacations, nights out, dinners, movies, boat and bike rides, etc. without worrying about having a babysitter, a kid being sick, waking up at some God awful hour in the morning with a crying baby or packing for anyone but ourselves.
I look back at the last 6 years at all of the things we have done together that we couldn't have done had children come right away. That is time that will forever be precious to both of us. We also had time live and love together, to work as a team, manage a budget, a household, chores, etc.
During our first years of marriage we began trying for a baby. After 2 years we became pregnant and lost our baby at almost 12 weeks. Marriages crumble under much less stress than that. But as a strong couple, we have navigated the harsh realities of miscarriages and infertility and become stronger (minus some bumps in the road) for it! Could we have done that right out of the gate? Maybe or maybe not.
The harsh reality is that one day we might wake up to the realization that having a baby is just not going to happen for us. But at least I know that if that day comes, I will still have a strong and healthy marriage to hold me up. And really, isn't that the type of relationship we want to bring our children into anyway? It isn't easy, that is for sure, but it is so worth it in the end.
This weekend we celebrate Independence Day. Bobby and I are celebrating our "no-kids" status by having a party on our boat, having adult cocktails and watching the fireworks. We plan to celebrate the independence that is afforded to us now, in the hopes that next year we may have "other" things to be taking care of, if you get my drift! Do the same!
I finally found the words for my friend that rang with truth and still had that element of comfort and compassionate, but without the false platitudes. I told my friend that the best way to get through the hardships of infertility is to do it with your partner. No one else "gets it" like they do. No one else sees every hot flash, every mood swing, every pill that you take, every shot in the thigh, every tear that falls out of disappointment and frustration, or the 3 minutes of anticipation while we wait to read the test. And no one, NO ONE, will be as happy when that test comes up +.
I followed that insightful comment with some advice: When the treatments fail, do something spontaneous and fun that makes all of your friends with kids jealous! Celebrate your couple time! This doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive, just spur of the moment. Bobby and I can pack up and leave at a moments notice for vacations, nights out, dinners, movies, boat and bike rides, etc. without worrying about having a babysitter, a kid being sick, waking up at some God awful hour in the morning with a crying baby or packing for anyone but ourselves.
I look back at the last 6 years at all of the things we have done together that we couldn't have done had children come right away. That is time that will forever be precious to both of us. We also had time live and love together, to work as a team, manage a budget, a household, chores, etc.
During our first years of marriage we began trying for a baby. After 2 years we became pregnant and lost our baby at almost 12 weeks. Marriages crumble under much less stress than that. But as a strong couple, we have navigated the harsh realities of miscarriages and infertility and become stronger (minus some bumps in the road) for it! Could we have done that right out of the gate? Maybe or maybe not.
The harsh reality is that one day we might wake up to the realization that having a baby is just not going to happen for us. But at least I know that if that day comes, I will still have a strong and healthy marriage to hold me up. And really, isn't that the type of relationship we want to bring our children into anyway? It isn't easy, that is for sure, but it is so worth it in the end.
This weekend we celebrate Independence Day. Bobby and I are celebrating our "no-kids" status by having a party on our boat, having adult cocktails and watching the fireworks. We plan to celebrate the independence that is afforded to us now, in the hopes that next year we may have "other" things to be taking care of, if you get my drift! Do the same!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Infertility Sucks!
Bobby and I decided to take a break from our infertility treatments over this summer. We recently purchased a pontoon boat and have been enjoying lazy weekends on the river and lounging on the beaches with friends and cocktails. It has so far been a summer of rejuvenation and putting everything baby-related to the back of our minds. It has also been a time to help lessen the anxiety and depression that was gradually getting worse and worse for me with each month of failure. So far I have lost 22 pounds! Eating well and exercising regularly have definitely improved my mood.
This year, the Dubuque/Delaware Coalition against Domestic Violence (of which I am on the board) is doing a 5K Run/Walk called the Race Against Violence on October 16, 2010 to generate funds for our Victim Assistance Fund. The Victim Assistance Fund helps members of our community who have been affected by domestic or sexual violence and need emergency funds for things like changing of locks, new doors, deposits on new residences, a place to stay if residence is damaged during assault, etc.
After starting this blog, many people contacted me to share similar stories of either infertility or difficulties in conceiving. I am always happy to share any of the information I have gathered during my journey and love being a support for others who are navigating through fertility treatments, doctors appointments, etc. When someone I know has been struggling gets pregnant, it is a win for all of us in this position, because it shows that it can happen for each of us.
Because of my new healthier habits, I have decided to RUN in the Race Against Violence in October. I have started training on my elliptical and by doing some outside running/walking. My goal is to help raise money for a good cause, to do something that challenges me, and to make me feel better about myself. Because it is a constant fight to not let infertility define me, I plan on wearing an "Infertility Sucks" t-shirt, since that is what inspired me to get healthy and challenge myself to run the race in the first place!
If anyone would like to join me, just let me know.
Amazing Ignorance
It absolutely amazes me every day how much women in our society DO NOT know about their own body. I can admit to that being the case 6 years ago. Granted, I knew all the basic mechanics of things like periods, ovulation, sex, pregnancy, etc. but didn't really know the nitty gritty details. Boy oh boy, do I look back at that now and laugh.
A doctor told me recently that he had a patient come in seeking help for infertility. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. When the doc asked her what medications she was taking, she told him she was taking a multi-vitamin and her birth control pills every day! Um, did it ever occur to her that birth control pills prevented pregnancy, therefore the reason she had not conceived. The doc said it shocked him because she was a well educated professional woman. My response to the doc when he was telling me this was, "You didn't tell her did you? If she is that dumb, we don't need her to reproduce!"
Going through all of the testing that comes with infertility and then the treatments and procedures, I have learned way more about my bodily systems then I ever thought possible, and that was after taking anatomy and gross anatomy for 4 years in college!
When little girls answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with the words, "A mommy," no one tells them that they should start reading up on their basal body temperature, studying their cervical mucus, looking for ovulation pain and charting their cycles. I know half of you just read that and scratched your head in confusion . . . see what I mean about the amount of stuff that women don't know about their bodies!
Another funny story courtesy of one of my doctors . . . . One of the side effects of fertility medication is often dryness "down there." So doctors, nurses, reproductive endocrinologists and infertility veterans often recommend using Robitussin to increase cervical mucus. One doctor told a patient about this little trick and sent her on her way. She came back a month or two later and the doctor asked her how the Robitussin was working. She replied that she thought it was working, but did he have anything he could recommend that was "less messy?" OK seriously, the woman was using it as lube instead of taking it orally. Can you imagine the mess that Robitussin would leave after a hot and heavy session?
Once the doc has trained you on all of those things and introduced you to the magical world of Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's), you get to start concentrating on the male aspect of everything. Everyone, guys and girls, think men just shoot out all these fishy looking white sperm with little eyes and smiles. Little did anyone know that now the doc is going to look at those smiling spermies and count them, dissect them, study how fast they swim, what direction they swim, and whether they can tell their heads from their, um, "tails." Then they call you and tell you that they counted many millions of sperm and you think "Rock on!" But then they tell you this is way less than what is considered normal. Really? There has got to be a man joke in all of this somewhere. You know, something along the lines of "Must be a guy thing, 10 million sperm and not one of them will stop and ask for directions!"
I have said many times over that by the time Bobby and I finally manage to conceive our children, I should at least be qualified to get certificaton as an infertility nurse somewhere. Seriously! Since beginning this journey I have become an expert on estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, and my hormone levels, I can pee on a stick while still half asleep or even in the bathroom at work, I can recognize ovulation by the pains in my abdomen, the soreness of my boobs and my temperature on any given day, I can usually guess quite accurately how many eggs I have growing in there, I know the difference between sperm count, motility and morphology, and I can give myself a shot in the thigh, hip or stomach after mixing the appropriate doses of the medication myself. Sounds like the equivilent of 4 years of college training to me!
All kidding aside, I look back over the past 6 years of our TTC journey and am amazed at how much I have learned. Not that I really wanted to learn it, and I think I would have been OK going through life not having learned these lessons, but I am still amazed at how much I didn't know about the basics of creating a new life. So now that I have my education, can I please reap some rewards? Is it too much to ask for a baby, or maybe two?
A doctor told me recently that he had a patient come in seeking help for infertility. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. When the doc asked her what medications she was taking, she told him she was taking a multi-vitamin and her birth control pills every day! Um, did it ever occur to her that birth control pills prevented pregnancy, therefore the reason she had not conceived. The doc said it shocked him because she was a well educated professional woman. My response to the doc when he was telling me this was, "You didn't tell her did you? If she is that dumb, we don't need her to reproduce!"
Going through all of the testing that comes with infertility and then the treatments and procedures, I have learned way more about my bodily systems then I ever thought possible, and that was after taking anatomy and gross anatomy for 4 years in college!
When little girls answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with the words, "A mommy," no one tells them that they should start reading up on their basal body temperature, studying their cervical mucus, looking for ovulation pain and charting their cycles. I know half of you just read that and scratched your head in confusion . . . see what I mean about the amount of stuff that women don't know about their bodies!
Another funny story courtesy of one of my doctors . . . . One of the side effects of fertility medication is often dryness "down there." So doctors, nurses, reproductive endocrinologists and infertility veterans often recommend using Robitussin to increase cervical mucus. One doctor told a patient about this little trick and sent her on her way. She came back a month or two later and the doctor asked her how the Robitussin was working. She replied that she thought it was working, but did he have anything he could recommend that was "less messy?" OK seriously, the woman was using it as lube instead of taking it orally. Can you imagine the mess that Robitussin would leave after a hot and heavy session?
Once the doc has trained you on all of those things and introduced you to the magical world of Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's), you get to start concentrating on the male aspect of everything. Everyone, guys and girls, think men just shoot out all these fishy looking white sperm with little eyes and smiles. Little did anyone know that now the doc is going to look at those smiling spermies and count them, dissect them, study how fast they swim, what direction they swim, and whether they can tell their heads from their, um, "tails." Then they call you and tell you that they counted many millions of sperm and you think "Rock on!" But then they tell you this is way less than what is considered normal. Really? There has got to be a man joke in all of this somewhere. You know, something along the lines of "Must be a guy thing, 10 million sperm and not one of them will stop and ask for directions!"
I have said many times over that by the time Bobby and I finally manage to conceive our children, I should at least be qualified to get certificaton as an infertility nurse somewhere. Seriously! Since beginning this journey I have become an expert on estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, and my hormone levels, I can pee on a stick while still half asleep or even in the bathroom at work, I can recognize ovulation by the pains in my abdomen, the soreness of my boobs and my temperature on any given day, I can usually guess quite accurately how many eggs I have growing in there, I know the difference between sperm count, motility and morphology, and I can give myself a shot in the thigh, hip or stomach after mixing the appropriate doses of the medication myself. Sounds like the equivilent of 4 years of college training to me!
All kidding aside, I look back over the past 6 years of our TTC journey and am amazed at how much I have learned. Not that I really wanted to learn it, and I think I would have been OK going through life not having learned these lessons, but I am still amazed at how much I didn't know about the basics of creating a new life. So now that I have my education, can I please reap some rewards? Is it too much to ask for a baby, or maybe two?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Only in Pictures
"God knew you were suffering and you needed a rest. He broke our hearts to prove he only takes the best."
My Facebook status today says it all. Last night, a great man was taken from this Earth before his time. But Dean went with peace and dignity, and after days of being surrounded by people who loved and respected him. He was met in Heaven by many, but especially his BIL Scott, who has been messing with this family since his own passing almost 2 years ago. I can only imagine what the two of them are going to pull on this family now. Everyone hide your hair brushes and check the air in your tires ;) I know, I know, if you didn't pick on us how would we know you loved us!
But the deaths in our family over the past few years have a great impact on me. The loss of wonderful people hurts that much more because I realize that it is another person that my children won't get to know. I can't help but think that if I hadn't miscarried or had gotten pregnant when we first started trying, that my babies would know Scott, my grandpa and Dean. Now they become people they will see in pictures and hear stories about. But can that ever capture the entire spectrum of qualities they possessed in human form? I guess it then becomes the job of our family to make those that we have lost special in the eyes of my future children.
Rest in Peace, Dean . . . and say "Hi" to Earnhardt for me!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
"A Mother has a baby
this we know is true."
But God can you be a mother
when your baby is not with you?
"Yes, you can," he replied
with confidence in his voice.
"I give many women babies;
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay."
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat
and then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with all the other children and say . . .
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear,
my mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"
"So you see my dear sweet ones
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in my home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
you are a mother,
Until their time is done
they'll be up here with me one day
and know you are the best one."
~Author unknown
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
"A Mother has a baby
this we know is true."
But God can you be a mother
when your baby is not with you?
"Yes, you can," he replied
with confidence in his voice.
"I give many women babies;
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay."
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat
and then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with all the other children and say . . .
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear,
my mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"
"So you see my dear sweet ones
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in my home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
you are a mother,
Until their time is done
they'll be up here with me one day
and know you are the best one."
~Author unknown
Monday, May 3, 2010
Time Out
Well, 3 strikes and you're out!
After yet another unsuccessful round of fertility treatments, we are taking a time out. Not sure for how long or when we will get back at it, but we definitely aren't quitting. And honestly, can you think of a better time to take a break than during the warm, summer months.
Here are the benefits of not TTCing (Trying To Conceive) during the summer:
1) A cocktail tastes 10 times better on a party barge in the middle of the Mississippi than any place else. Can't drink during treatments
2) Being able to go out on the boat, swim, tube and horse around with my nephews without that stupid voice in my ear saying, "What if you are pregnant, you shouldn't be doing this!"
3) Shed some pounds! Fertility drugs are HARD on the body and make me gain weight like you wouldn't believe. What better time of the year to walk, run, play football, etc. to burn some calories and shed some pounds.
4) Did I mention the cocktails? :) I did, ok just checking!
So I am going to spend the next few months relaxing and working on me! And if you are out on the river or hanging on the beach, and you hear, "Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand, Not a worry in the world, a cold drink in my hand . . . Life is good today!" It's me singing so come over and say hello!
After yet another unsuccessful round of fertility treatments, we are taking a time out. Not sure for how long or when we will get back at it, but we definitely aren't quitting. And honestly, can you think of a better time to take a break than during the warm, summer months.
Here are the benefits of not TTCing (Trying To Conceive) during the summer:
1) A cocktail tastes 10 times better on a party barge in the middle of the Mississippi than any place else. Can't drink during treatments
2) Being able to go out on the boat, swim, tube and horse around with my nephews without that stupid voice in my ear saying, "What if you are pregnant, you shouldn't be doing this!"
3) Shed some pounds! Fertility drugs are HARD on the body and make me gain weight like you wouldn't believe. What better time of the year to walk, run, play football, etc. to burn some calories and shed some pounds.
4) Did I mention the cocktails? :) I did, ok just checking!
So I am going to spend the next few months relaxing and working on me! And if you are out on the river or hanging on the beach, and you hear, "Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand, Not a worry in the world, a cold drink in my hand . . . Life is good today!" It's me singing so come over and say hello!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
2WW
I know some of you are thinking to yourself, "What does 2WW mean?" Any guesses? Any? Going once . . . going twice . . . .
2WW is the forum term for the dreaded "two week wait." This is the time between ovulation and AF (sorry, another forum term AF=Aunt Flo . . . a woman's monthly visitor. Oh for Christ's sake . . . her PERIOD). The two week wait consists of the usually 14 days between when you could have made a baby . . . and when you find out if you actually did! It has been rumored to be the longest 2 weeks in history!
I am in the two week wait right now after having an IUI last Wednesday. (Ok, ok, IUI stands for intrauterine insemination . . . well, you asked?!) The only thing worse than the two week wait is the one week wait, which I will start tomorrow. This the week where anxiety peaks and the phantom pregnancy symptoms start. I grab my boobs more in the one week wait than a porn star. Well, come on, I have to see if they are sore. Sore boobs is one of the first pregnancy signs!
So how do I get through the two week wait? Lots of booze of course! Haha, just kidding, because of course you aren't supposed to drink, you might be preggo . . .duh! (Although I admit to having one or two from time to time. Hey! After 6 years, I have been at a lot of bars, parties, and weddings and not been able to drink, only to learn a few days later that I was, in fact, not preggo!)
Here is some good infertility humor to pass the time:
Right Ovary: "Hey, did you order furniture?"
Left Ovary: "No, why?"
Right Ovary: "Because there are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in"
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop for directions either!!!
Things to Do During the 2WW:
1) Seriously consider suing the makers of home pregnancy tests . . . because their products are defective.
2)Convince ourselves that if we spend all the money we have left for treatments, God will be forced to give us a BFP (Big Fat Positive, I just realized that we use more acronyms than texting does)
3) Freaking out the general public by approaching a woman you hear complaining about her children with your checkbook open and asking "How much?"
4) Throw the remote at the TV when you hear of the next Hollywood star who "accidently" got knocked up! No one used to piss me off more than Brittney!
5) Plot how you are going to get back at Octomom, while being a little jealous that her fertility treatments actually worked!
6) Paint the third toe on your left foot purple because your friend told you they read some where that this increased fertility.
7) When someone asks, "When are you guys going to have kids?" Look a them and reply "When you give me $15,000!"
8) When someone asks you the date, answer them "Cycle Day 21"
9) Blog :)
A great source of many jokes is the website 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.
Anyhoo. Thanks for helping me pass some time. Feel free to leave comments!
2WW is the forum term for the dreaded "two week wait." This is the time between ovulation and AF (sorry, another forum term AF=Aunt Flo . . . a woman's monthly visitor. Oh for Christ's sake . . . her PERIOD). The two week wait consists of the usually 14 days between when you could have made a baby . . . and when you find out if you actually did! It has been rumored to be the longest 2 weeks in history!
I am in the two week wait right now after having an IUI last Wednesday. (Ok, ok, IUI stands for intrauterine insemination . . . well, you asked?!) The only thing worse than the two week wait is the one week wait, which I will start tomorrow. This the week where anxiety peaks and the phantom pregnancy symptoms start. I grab my boobs more in the one week wait than a porn star. Well, come on, I have to see if they are sore. Sore boobs is one of the first pregnancy signs!
So how do I get through the two week wait? Lots of booze of course! Haha, just kidding, because of course you aren't supposed to drink, you might be preggo . . .duh! (Although I admit to having one or two from time to time. Hey! After 6 years, I have been at a lot of bars, parties, and weddings and not been able to drink, only to learn a few days later that I was, in fact, not preggo!)
Here is some good infertility humor to pass the time:
Right Ovary: "Hey, did you order furniture?"
Left Ovary: "No, why?"
Right Ovary: "Because there are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in"
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop for directions either!!!
Things to Do During the 2WW:
1) Seriously consider suing the makers of home pregnancy tests . . . because their products are defective.
2)Convince ourselves that if we spend all the money we have left for treatments, God will be forced to give us a BFP (Big Fat Positive, I just realized that we use more acronyms than texting does)
3) Freaking out the general public by approaching a woman you hear complaining about her children with your checkbook open and asking "How much?"
4) Throw the remote at the TV when you hear of the next Hollywood star who "accidently" got knocked up! No one used to piss me off more than Brittney!
5) Plot how you are going to get back at Octomom, while being a little jealous that her fertility treatments actually worked!
6) Paint the third toe on your left foot purple because your friend told you they read some where that this increased fertility.
7) When someone asks, "When are you guys going to have kids?" Look a them and reply "When you give me $15,000!"
8) When someone asks you the date, answer them "Cycle Day 21"
9) Blog :)
A great source of many jokes is the website 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.
Anyhoo. Thanks for helping me pass some time. Feel free to leave comments!
Monday, April 5, 2010
I Would Die For That
6 years, or 70 months, or 2100 days, or 50,400 hours . . . however you look at it, this is how long we have been trying to get pregnant.
Along this journey, I have learned a lot of things:
1) My family wants me to be a mommy almost as much as I do - so they are always there to lend a shoulder when I need one
2) I know who my real friends are. You know, the ones who ask me how I am, want to know what is going on, and know my cycle days and check in with me for the joy or pain each and every month. There are also some who talk behind my back . . . but karma will take care of them
3) It is really a shame how much many women DON'T know about their body and the way it works. Through this journey, I have learned a lot about my body and the signals it sends me.
4) In health care, the only one really looking out for me . . . is ME! It is my responsibility to insure that I get the care and information that I need. I have become a great advocate for myself, knowing that if I don't ask or share the information, they aren't going to get it.
5) You can only put on a happy face and bury your emotions for so long before they are going to come out . . . best to not let it build up!
One of the hardest parts of the infertility journey is feeling so isolated. Friends and family are having babies. You know they don't understand, as much as they may want to. Even friends who have gone through infertility but now have children are in a different boat now. It is like they have moved on, and you are stuck. Unfortunately, in many ways, infertility is still a taboo subject. When I had my miscarriage, or when a month of fertility treatment fails, I hear so many times, "I don't know what to say." Well me neither, but say something because otherwise it seems like you don't care, or don't want to talk about it. And maybe you don't. But don't expect me to be able to put on a happy face. Each and every month feels to me like another dream shattered.
I have also made connections with people I never would have. Speaking out about our issues has made me a great resource for others. I met a group of ladies early on in my infertility journey that have been my rocks throughout the past almost 6 years. Without them guiding me, pointing me in the right direction, and sharing information, I would certainly not be where I am today. (Thanks WM and MP) Now I have had the opportunity to share information and be a mentor to other women in this same position. And it amazes me every day when someone else in my life "discloses" their similar struggles.
So to close, I want to share this song. I found it several months ago, and it speaks to me on so many levels. I can't watch it without bawling my eyes out, so I wanted to share it as a great emotion-releasing song!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
**Fingers crossed . . . IUI Wednesday**
Along this journey, I have learned a lot of things:
1) My family wants me to be a mommy almost as much as I do - so they are always there to lend a shoulder when I need one
2) I know who my real friends are. You know, the ones who ask me how I am, want to know what is going on, and know my cycle days and check in with me for the joy or pain each and every month. There are also some who talk behind my back . . . but karma will take care of them
3) It is really a shame how much many women DON'T know about their body and the way it works. Through this journey, I have learned a lot about my body and the signals it sends me.
4) In health care, the only one really looking out for me . . . is ME! It is my responsibility to insure that I get the care and information that I need. I have become a great advocate for myself, knowing that if I don't ask or share the information, they aren't going to get it.
5) You can only put on a happy face and bury your emotions for so long before they are going to come out . . . best to not let it build up!
One of the hardest parts of the infertility journey is feeling so isolated. Friends and family are having babies. You know they don't understand, as much as they may want to. Even friends who have gone through infertility but now have children are in a different boat now. It is like they have moved on, and you are stuck. Unfortunately, in many ways, infertility is still a taboo subject. When I had my miscarriage, or when a month of fertility treatment fails, I hear so many times, "I don't know what to say." Well me neither, but say something because otherwise it seems like you don't care, or don't want to talk about it. And maybe you don't. But don't expect me to be able to put on a happy face. Each and every month feels to me like another dream shattered.
I have also made connections with people I never would have. Speaking out about our issues has made me a great resource for others. I met a group of ladies early on in my infertility journey that have been my rocks throughout the past almost 6 years. Without them guiding me, pointing me in the right direction, and sharing information, I would certainly not be where I am today. (Thanks WM and MP) Now I have had the opportunity to share information and be a mentor to other women in this same position. And it amazes me every day when someone else in my life "discloses" their similar struggles.
So to close, I want to share this song. I found it several months ago, and it speaks to me on so many levels. I can't watch it without bawling my eyes out, so I wanted to share it as a great emotion-releasing song!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
**Fingers crossed . . . IUI Wednesday**
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Select One . . . REALLY!!!!
So, I am about to make some assumptions here and correct me if I am wrong . . .
1) I think everyone knows that I am the legal/medical advocate for a rape crisis center
and
2) No one wants to be a victim of a crime
Pretty safe assumptions I would say.
So right now I am in the Citizens Police Academy with the Dubuque Police Department. It is a great group made up of business owners, interested citizens, DHS and Riverview employees, and recruits in the process of applying to the force. Last night one member of the group came in with the following t-shirt:
1) I think everyone knows that I am the legal/medical advocate for a rape crisis center
and
2) No one wants to be a victim of a crime
Pretty safe assumptions I would say.
So right now I am in the Citizens Police Academy with the Dubuque Police Department. It is a great group made up of business owners, interested citizens, DHS and Riverview employees, and recruits in the process of applying to the force. Last night one member of the group came in with the following t-shirt:
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? And my fear is that this guy is one of the recruits looking to join the force. How can you look at this shirt and think it is appropriate? It reinforces the victim blaming that goes on in our society each and every day. And this victim blaming is part of the reason that sexual abuse and domestic violence are so prevalent. If I am a sexual assault victim and someone tells me that I have become a victim because of what I was wearing, who I was with, what time of night I was out, because I was drinking, or, as this shirt implies, because I didn't have a gun . . . WHY WOULD THEY CONTINUE TO SEEK HELP? And in domestic violence cases, it sends the victim right back where she came from because she can't get away!
Really, I don't mean to yell. It just infuriates me that people put on these shirts, thinking it makes a statement about gun control when the statement it makes is that the wearer is an insensitive bastard!
Whew! OK, I am all better now :)
Friday, March 19, 2010
Shame On You
Man's best friend. Isn't that what we call the dogs that share our hearts, our beds and sometimes our shoes? I know mine are part of my family. We have Vegas, who we got on Valentines Day the year after we got married. Vegas is a 5 year old Boxer. Then we have Maverick, our 3 year old shepherd/doberman mix. They give me a feeling of safety when I am home alone at night. They make me smile when I want to cry, and when I am sick or hurt, they are the first to lay their heads on my lap for a snuggle. And the bond that pets have with children is so immense.
So why in God's name do people treat these pets like garbage to be tossed aside? Don't even get me started on the people who neglect or injure their pets for sport? Michael Vick doesn't want to meet me in a dark alley . . . or my dogs either. Everyone knows those people are trash. I cry every time I see that ASPCA commercial on TV asking for donations. But what I am really talking about is your every day citizen who doesn't have the decency to help an animal in need.
This morning at 6:30 am, Bobby and I were awakened by a frightening phone call from his sister. Their dog, Reno, a black german shepherd, had just been hit by a truck in front of their house. Our nephew had witnessed it. They needed help moving him off the side of the road and getting him to a vet.
The damn truck that hit Reno didn't even have the decency to stop. It wasn't the driver's fault that he hit the dog . . . Reno took off after something and ran into the street. But have the decency to stop and check on the animal, or try to locate it's owners. Instead, my SIL was stuck trying to move her pet off the road with the help of her two boys as numerous other vehicles whizzed by. No one stopped to help her, most cars didn't even slow down for her safety or that of the kids. And while this was going on, Reno was yelping in pain as his owners tried to help him.
Shame on all those people who were too caught up in their own lives to stop and help this animal. What message did you teach those boys? That no one cares about anyone but themselves! Not a good lesson to be teaching on a Friday morning, in my opinion.
Unfortunately, Reno passed away shortly before we were able to get there to help. They moved him to the porch and covered him with a blanket so when the bus came by, the kids who lived nearby wouldn't see him lying there. They had the decency, even in this tough time, to think about others. But as we stood there on the front porch, looking at Reno lying there covered in one of the boy's blankets, Zach came out of the house with Reno's toy and laid it beside him. So to the driver who thought this dog didn't matter . . . he mattered to this family!
So why in God's name do people treat these pets like garbage to be tossed aside? Don't even get me started on the people who neglect or injure their pets for sport? Michael Vick doesn't want to meet me in a dark alley . . . or my dogs either. Everyone knows those people are trash. I cry every time I see that ASPCA commercial on TV asking for donations. But what I am really talking about is your every day citizen who doesn't have the decency to help an animal in need.
This morning at 6:30 am, Bobby and I were awakened by a frightening phone call from his sister. Their dog, Reno, a black german shepherd, had just been hit by a truck in front of their house. Our nephew had witnessed it. They needed help moving him off the side of the road and getting him to a vet.
The damn truck that hit Reno didn't even have the decency to stop. It wasn't the driver's fault that he hit the dog . . . Reno took off after something and ran into the street. But have the decency to stop and check on the animal, or try to locate it's owners. Instead, my SIL was stuck trying to move her pet off the road with the help of her two boys as numerous other vehicles whizzed by. No one stopped to help her, most cars didn't even slow down for her safety or that of the kids. And while this was going on, Reno was yelping in pain as his owners tried to help him.
Shame on all those people who were too caught up in their own lives to stop and help this animal. What message did you teach those boys? That no one cares about anyone but themselves! Not a good lesson to be teaching on a Friday morning, in my opinion.
Unfortunately, Reno passed away shortly before we were able to get there to help. They moved him to the porch and covered him with a blanket so when the bus came by, the kids who lived nearby wouldn't see him lying there. They had the decency, even in this tough time, to think about others. But as we stood there on the front porch, looking at Reno lying there covered in one of the boy's blankets, Zach came out of the house with Reno's toy and laid it beside him. So to the driver who thought this dog didn't matter . . . he mattered to this family!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Why babies are better than gold . . .
I have come to the conclusion that cute, chubby babies should be found at the end of the rainbow, not pots of gold.
Why you ask? Because babies will make you smile for a lifetime, and gold can sometimes just mess things up. You have to share it, and spend it, or save it . . . too many decisions. But a baby just wants you to talk and cuddle . . . so much easier. What brings me to this conclusion . . . the birth of my beautiful niece, Adyson, and an evening spent with our little buddy, Brock.
I have two nephews that entered my life when I started dating Bobby. When we started dating, Zach was only 4 months old and Jacob was 4. It is inconceivable to me where the time went, because now Zach is almost 9 and Jacob is practically a teenager. So not only is it nice to have a baby in the family again, but the fact that it is a girl just tops the list!
Adyson Lynn Pollard was born March 5, 2010 at 7:24 pm and weighed 7 lbs, 7 ozs and was 21 inches long. Spending last Friday night looking at her cutie patootie face right after she was born, and then cuddling a bit more with her on Saturday is enough to make all the world's problems seem so small. I can't wait to go out there tonight to do a bit more cuddling! Here is a picture of my beautiful new niece:
Saturday night, we got to spend the evening with our friends' Chris and Mandy , and their new son, Brock. Brock and Adyson already have a bit of an arranged relationship :) I have the most adorable picture of Bobby and Brock that melts my heart.
I am always amazed at the timing of events that happen. I was starting to get so discouraged in our attempts to become parents that I was seriously starting to consider giving up. Not quitting, just finding a way to be happy with my life the way that it is, without children. And then I held Adyson, and held Brock, and I realized that I could never be happy with giving up. And that picture of Bobby and Brock just melts my heart . . . how can I not do everything in my power to make that man a daddy! Will there maybe come a day when I have to look at the facts and make other decisions . . . of course?! But I can't see there being a day when I can say, "I am happy not being a mother."
Why you ask? Because babies will make you smile for a lifetime, and gold can sometimes just mess things up. You have to share it, and spend it, or save it . . . too many decisions. But a baby just wants you to talk and cuddle . . . so much easier. What brings me to this conclusion . . . the birth of my beautiful niece, Adyson, and an evening spent with our little buddy, Brock.
I have two nephews that entered my life when I started dating Bobby. When we started dating, Zach was only 4 months old and Jacob was 4. It is inconceivable to me where the time went, because now Zach is almost 9 and Jacob is practically a teenager. So not only is it nice to have a baby in the family again, but the fact that it is a girl just tops the list!
Adyson Lynn Pollard was born March 5, 2010 at 7:24 pm and weighed 7 lbs, 7 ozs and was 21 inches long. Spending last Friday night looking at her cutie patootie face right after she was born, and then cuddling a bit more with her on Saturday is enough to make all the world's problems seem so small. I can't wait to go out there tonight to do a bit more cuddling! Here is a picture of my beautiful new niece:
Saturday night, we got to spend the evening with our friends' Chris and Mandy , and their new son, Brock. Brock and Adyson already have a bit of an arranged relationship :) I have the most adorable picture of Bobby and Brock that melts my heart.
I am always amazed at the timing of events that happen. I was starting to get so discouraged in our attempts to become parents that I was seriously starting to consider giving up. Not quitting, just finding a way to be happy with my life the way that it is, without children. And then I held Adyson, and held Brock, and I realized that I could never be happy with giving up. And that picture of Bobby and Brock just melts my heart . . . how can I not do everything in my power to make that man a daddy! Will there maybe come a day when I have to look at the facts and make other decisions . . . of course?! But I can't see there being a day when I can say, "I am happy not being a mother."Friday, March 5, 2010
Karma is a B!@#$!
Anyone who has ever dealt with infertility has heard the following statesments:
"Everything happens for a reason."
"God has a plan for everyone, we just don't always know what it is."
"It will happen."
"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."
"God never gives us more than we can handle."
And my favorite . . .
"If it is meant to be, it will be."
My response to these over the years has admittedly gotten increasingly sarcastic. I used to be polite and say "thanks" or "I know." Now I want to look at the person and say, "Really? What reason does God have for allowing someone to get pregnant after 3 years of trying, tease them with the baby for 11 weeks, and then make it die? How does that make me stronger?" Ok, maybe that was harsh, but honestly, these comments are not helpful.
The reason they aren't helpful is that more than half of them have to do with KARMA. Implying that if those of suffering from fertility issues were better people, it would have happened for us already. I'll remember that when I pass the 13 year old who is 9 months pregnant at the store (Not that she isn't deserving, just that it shouldn't be her time). Or when I see the drug addict at Walmart screaming at her 3 kids at 1 am because they are whining and want to go home (um, hello, they are probably TIRED). Somehow I don't think that they were gifted with beautiful children because of their superior goodness to all mankind.
In my office at work hangs a sign about karma. It says
People pay for what they do,
and still more,
for what they have allowed themselves to become.
And they pay for it simply;
through the lives they lead.
It is difficult to be an advocate at a rape crisis center and sit in court listening to some attorney defending a man who has committed sexual abuse against his own young children. I don't understand sometimes how that attorney can sleep at night, or go home and look at their own kids. For a paycheck? I get that it is a job, but what if that perpetrator then abused their kids . . .is it just a paycheck then? So in order to be able to continue to function and make it through each work day, I have to brush these people aside and figure that KARMA will catch up with them later.
On the flip side, I have seen good things happen to good people. I have to believe that through the work that I do, the people that I help, and the life that I lead . . . good things will happen for me too! So many good things have already happened!
"Everything happens for a reason."
"God has a plan for everyone, we just don't always know what it is."
"It will happen."
"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."
"God never gives us more than we can handle."
And my favorite . . .
"If it is meant to be, it will be."
My response to these over the years has admittedly gotten increasingly sarcastic. I used to be polite and say "thanks" or "I know." Now I want to look at the person and say, "Really? What reason does God have for allowing someone to get pregnant after 3 years of trying, tease them with the baby for 11 weeks, and then make it die? How does that make me stronger?" Ok, maybe that was harsh, but honestly, these comments are not helpful.
The reason they aren't helpful is that more than half of them have to do with KARMA. Implying that if those of suffering from fertility issues were better people, it would have happened for us already. I'll remember that when I pass the 13 year old who is 9 months pregnant at the store (Not that she isn't deserving, just that it shouldn't be her time). Or when I see the drug addict at Walmart screaming at her 3 kids at 1 am because they are whining and want to go home (um, hello, they are probably TIRED). Somehow I don't think that they were gifted with beautiful children because of their superior goodness to all mankind.
In my office at work hangs a sign about karma. It says
People pay for what they do,
and still more,
for what they have allowed themselves to become.
And they pay for it simply;
through the lives they lead.
It is difficult to be an advocate at a rape crisis center and sit in court listening to some attorney defending a man who has committed sexual abuse against his own young children. I don't understand sometimes how that attorney can sleep at night, or go home and look at their own kids. For a paycheck? I get that it is a job, but what if that perpetrator then abused their kids . . .is it just a paycheck then? So in order to be able to continue to function and make it through each work day, I have to brush these people aside and figure that KARMA will catch up with them later.
On the flip side, I have seen good things happen to good people. I have to believe that through the work that I do, the people that I help, and the life that I lead . . . good things will happen for me too! So many good things have already happened!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
3 Decades Already
30 . . . .30 . . . . 30! Why does that number sound so old? I don't feel that old. Remember when you were little and 30 sounded like the biggest number in the world.
Thoughts on turning 30:
1) I love being married. I don't miss dating at all. I don't miss looking for that person that is "the one." I don't miss the jealousy or the drama. But I found my love when I was least expecting it, and when I wasn't looking. But damn if he didn't sneak into my heart. What I do miss is that young love . . . where you just can't get enough of each other. But I think Bobby and I have done a pretty good job of finding our way back to that place from time to time.
2) Almost 6 years together without kids isn't all that bad. We have done lots of fun things. We don't have to look for, or pay, babysitters. We go out on the river and camping in the summer, we take the motorcycle for rides, or we can just sleep in late and curl up in our jammies during the cold winter. We have had a lot of time to be US.
3) I am pretty proud of myself. I have worked hard to get where I am in my career. I have a career, not just a job. And even better, my career makes a huge difference in somebody's life almost every day. I also feel like I do a pretty good job at it. I try to constantly educate myself and look for solutions to the problems that my clients face. But yet I have so far managed to do it without cynicism that one would expect . . . I am optimistic that one day our vision of a society free from sexual violence can be reached!
4) My parents are proud of me. Who doesn't want to reach 30 and realize that all the crap you put them through as a teenager has melted away and left them thinking they did a pretty awesome job? I know I wasn't always an easy kid, but I always knew my parents and family loved me. And through my journey with infertility, no matter what other obstacles there were, I always knew that I could call them and they would be there!
5) I am one kick-ass aunt! 2 nephews I got when I married Bobby, a niece on the way from my brother and SIL and the children of my closest friends who think I am pretty cool most of the time. Isn't it great when a little bit comes running up to you all excited? It can make even the darkest day seem pretty special!
6) Friends are the family you choose along the way. Wholeheartedly, 100%, believe this to be true. I have friends that I can bicker with, fight with, get irritated and annoyed at (just like family) and still know that if shit hits the fan, they have my back and visa versa. Some of my best friends have come from unexpected places (MP blogs!) and have helped me get through the darkest times.
7) No matter what, my grandpa is always my best friend! Not a day goes by that I don't want him here with me. He was my best friend from the day I was born, and will be for life. He doesn't have to physically be here for him to be my biggest source of light! More on him later . . .
Thoughts on turning 30:
1) I love being married. I don't miss dating at all. I don't miss looking for that person that is "the one." I don't miss the jealousy or the drama. But I found my love when I was least expecting it, and when I wasn't looking. But damn if he didn't sneak into my heart. What I do miss is that young love . . . where you just can't get enough of each other. But I think Bobby and I have done a pretty good job of finding our way back to that place from time to time.
2) Almost 6 years together without kids isn't all that bad. We have done lots of fun things. We don't have to look for, or pay, babysitters. We go out on the river and camping in the summer, we take the motorcycle for rides, or we can just sleep in late and curl up in our jammies during the cold winter. We have had a lot of time to be US.
3) I am pretty proud of myself. I have worked hard to get where I am in my career. I have a career, not just a job. And even better, my career makes a huge difference in somebody's life almost every day. I also feel like I do a pretty good job at it. I try to constantly educate myself and look for solutions to the problems that my clients face. But yet I have so far managed to do it without cynicism that one would expect . . . I am optimistic that one day our vision of a society free from sexual violence can be reached!
4) My parents are proud of me. Who doesn't want to reach 30 and realize that all the crap you put them through as a teenager has melted away and left them thinking they did a pretty awesome job? I know I wasn't always an easy kid, but I always knew my parents and family loved me. And through my journey with infertility, no matter what other obstacles there were, I always knew that I could call them and they would be there!
5) I am one kick-ass aunt! 2 nephews I got when I married Bobby, a niece on the way from my brother and SIL and the children of my closest friends who think I am pretty cool most of the time. Isn't it great when a little bit comes running up to you all excited? It can make even the darkest day seem pretty special!
6) Friends are the family you choose along the way. Wholeheartedly, 100%, believe this to be true. I have friends that I can bicker with, fight with, get irritated and annoyed at (just like family) and still know that if shit hits the fan, they have my back and visa versa. Some of my best friends have come from unexpected places (MP blogs!) and have helped me get through the darkest times.
7) No matter what, my grandpa is always my best friend! Not a day goes by that I don't want him here with me. He was my best friend from the day I was born, and will be for life. He doesn't have to physically be here for him to be my biggest source of light! More on him later . . .
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
That's who I am . . . .
Welcome to my blog! I have thought and thought about how I wanted to do this. How do I tell my story? Do I have anything to say that other people would actually care to read? Am I funny enough, witty enough, to have a blog? Finally I decided to go for it. I decided I do have a story to tell.
My journey in patience began in June of 2004, one month after marrying my wonderful husband, Bobby. We decided to throw all those pill packets in the garbage, and see what life had in store for us. You guessed it! We wanted to be parents.
Growing up, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I told them I wanted to be a mommy. Don't most little girls? No one ever shatters the dreams of a 6 year old and tells them that becoming a mommy might be the hardest journey they ever embark on. Then the little girl hits 16, and she sees classmates or neighbors becoming pregnant at young ages . . . "Not me," she thinks to herself, "I want a husband first." So she falls in love, finds her husband, and decides to take the next step. Only then does she learn that being a mommy doesn't come easy to everyone.
16 months into our quest to become parents, we decided to seek out help. They tested both myself and Bobby. The news came back pretty good . . . "All the tests look ok," said the doc. "Try for another 6 months." So we did. Nothing. After many tests, procedures, a miscarriage and enough poking and prodding in my vajayjay for a lifetime, we still fall into the "Unexplained Infertility" catagory.
Until the word INFERTILITY falls from the sky and hits you in the head, it seems that "those" people belong to a small, isolated club. There is some shame that comes at first . . . how stupid do we have to be that we can't even get ourselves pregnant. 14 year olds are doing it, why can't we? So you don't talk about it, you dodge the questions from well-meaning family and friends, and you put on your "happy face" for those around you. But once you start to open up, you hear about it more and more . . .two co-workers, the daughter of another co-worker, friends of Bobby's. Then you dig deeper and you find websites and chat rooms devoted to supporting people going through fertility treatments.
So that is what made me decide to start a blog. I don't need to feel ashamed, and neither does my husband. We didn't do anything wrong. We aren't stupid. We need help, just like millions of other people seek out help for medical problems every year.
So here I am . . . 5.5 years into my journey, one miscarriage under my belt, one angel baby in Heaven being watched over by my grandpa, and not afraid to be the one that stands up and says, "Hello, my name is Dawn, and I struggle with infertility."
My journey in patience began in June of 2004, one month after marrying my wonderful husband, Bobby. We decided to throw all those pill packets in the garbage, and see what life had in store for us. You guessed it! We wanted to be parents.
Growing up, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I told them I wanted to be a mommy. Don't most little girls? No one ever shatters the dreams of a 6 year old and tells them that becoming a mommy might be the hardest journey they ever embark on. Then the little girl hits 16, and she sees classmates or neighbors becoming pregnant at young ages . . . "Not me," she thinks to herself, "I want a husband first." So she falls in love, finds her husband, and decides to take the next step. Only then does she learn that being a mommy doesn't come easy to everyone.
16 months into our quest to become parents, we decided to seek out help. They tested both myself and Bobby. The news came back pretty good . . . "All the tests look ok," said the doc. "Try for another 6 months." So we did. Nothing. After many tests, procedures, a miscarriage and enough poking and prodding in my vajayjay for a lifetime, we still fall into the "Unexplained Infertility" catagory.
Until the word INFERTILITY falls from the sky and hits you in the head, it seems that "those" people belong to a small, isolated club. There is some shame that comes at first . . . how stupid do we have to be that we can't even get ourselves pregnant. 14 year olds are doing it, why can't we? So you don't talk about it, you dodge the questions from well-meaning family and friends, and you put on your "happy face" for those around you. But once you start to open up, you hear about it more and more . . .two co-workers, the daughter of another co-worker, friends of Bobby's. Then you dig deeper and you find websites and chat rooms devoted to supporting people going through fertility treatments.
So that is what made me decide to start a blog. I don't need to feel ashamed, and neither does my husband. We didn't do anything wrong. We aren't stupid. We need help, just like millions of other people seek out help for medical problems every year.
So here I am . . . 5.5 years into my journey, one miscarriage under my belt, one angel baby in Heaven being watched over by my grandpa, and not afraid to be the one that stands up and says, "Hello, my name is Dawn, and I struggle with infertility."
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