I want a baby, that much is clear!
God, give me one, to love and hold dear.
A baby to cherish all of my days,
I swear I will give you all the credit and praise.
There are many out there who are are evil and preverse,
so why do I get to have this infertility curse?
A 16 year old girl delivers a healthy baby boy,
and throws him away like a broken old toy.
Or the drug addict mom who beats her kids til they cry
all because they stand between her and her next high.
Or the worn out woman who can't take much more
gets those 2 little lines that I have desperately been waiting for.
So what can I do to turn the tides in my favor?
I'll do anything you ask, I'll sign any waiver!
Please make it stop, this longing and fear
and give me a beautiful baby, that I can hold near!
To all the angel babies out there, help your mommies out this year . . . help them see that while they will never forget you, happiness is possible with healthy pregnancies and babies.
To all the mommies of angels out there . . . look to the sky, seek out that cloud and know that you have an angel looking down from above.
~~~~~~Baby Dust~~~~~~~
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Patience Rose
Many have asked how the heck I got the name for my blog . . . it is really a funny story actually!
Throughout my journey with trying to get pregnant, my miscarriage and all of the fertility treatments, I have heard all of the following:
"If it is meant to be, it will be"
"God has a plan for all of us"
"It will happen, just relax"
"It will happen when you least expect it"
And all of those sayings make me want to punch something :) Sorry people, but they aren't helpful, they aren't solution based, and basically tell me that I can't really do a darn thing about it, so quit trying.
So one day Bobby's aunt, Rose, made the mistake of telling me, through Facebook chat none the less, "Patience, my dear." I had really had enough and I snapped back, in my sternest Facebook chat voice, "If you tell me that one more time, I will get even with you by naming my damn kid Patience." And so, Patience Rose was born . . . pardon the pun.
So for those of you that have asked . . . no I am not really going to name any future children I may have Patience Rose . . . or will I? It kind of grows on ya don't you think. Until they are about 3 and you look like an idiot in the grocery store yelling "PATIENCE! You come here right now!" Hahahaha, wouldn't that be the best joke of all! Bobby would refuse to go anywhere with us :)
Let the countdown begin!
Throughout my journey with trying to get pregnant, my miscarriage and all of the fertility treatments, I have heard all of the following:
"If it is meant to be, it will be"
"God has a plan for all of us"
"It will happen, just relax"
"It will happen when you least expect it"
And all of those sayings make me want to punch something :) Sorry people, but they aren't helpful, they aren't solution based, and basically tell me that I can't really do a darn thing about it, so quit trying.
So one day Bobby's aunt, Rose, made the mistake of telling me, through Facebook chat none the less, "Patience, my dear." I had really had enough and I snapped back, in my sternest Facebook chat voice, "If you tell me that one more time, I will get even with you by naming my damn kid Patience." And so, Patience Rose was born . . . pardon the pun.
So for those of you that have asked . . . no I am not really going to name any future children I may have Patience Rose . . . or will I? It kind of grows on ya don't you think. Until they are about 3 and you look like an idiot in the grocery store yelling "PATIENCE! You come here right now!" Hahahaha, wouldn't that be the best joke of all! Bobby would refuse to go anywhere with us :)
Let the countdown begin!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sadness gives way to Optimism
3 years ago today, at just about this same time, Bobby and I found out that our precious peanut that we were so excited to finally have, was gone.
In July 2007, 3 days before Bobby's 27th Birthday, we under went our first IUI in Iowa City. August 8th, we found out that our treatment was successful and we began to anxiously await the 7 week ultrasound that would tell us how many I was carrying.
At that ultrasound, we got the one and only picture of our peanut and got to see it's heart beating for the first time. What a sight that was! After 3 years of trying, 1 year with help, we were seeing the beating heart of our child that was growing inside of me.
I was feeling great, no morning sickness, just some passing nausea. I was definitely having pregnancy symptoms. My chest area, already too large in my opinion, felt like I had bowling balls in my bra. I developed a sudden aversion to anything tomato, making foods like spaghetti, tacos, sloppy joes and pizza no longer my favorites. I did, however, become very fixated on Arby's roast beef sandwiches and grilled chicken salad with ranch dressing! At 11 weeks, I was to the point where jeans were still ok, but I was having to use the rubberband around the button trick on my dress pants.
And the shopping had begun. Bobby and I hit up a few garage sales, but we were good, the only thing we bought was a miniature Hawkeye jersey. But I was online every night looking at room ideas, bedding, clothes, strollers, car seats, etc.
Many people say 12 weeks is the magic time when it is "ok" to start telling friends and family the good news. But that goes right out the window when you have awesome friends and family who have been supporting you through our journey. People in my family and friend circle probably knew more about when my monthly period was due than when their own should come. They knew we had the procedure, and they knew when we should find out if it worked. And let's face it . . . after trying that long I wasn't going to keep it to myself for long. Within an hour of me getting that positive test, the crew at Namasco knew (due to the hysterical phone call my husband received while standing by his coworkers), Bobby's mom, my mom and dad, and several really close friends all knew. My SIL wouldn't answer her phone because she was shopping at Walmart and I think she probably had 10 missed calls from me :) I made it one whole day before telling my brother's girlfriend (now wife) and a whole 5 days before telling my brother (because he was living in Platteville, and I planned an "uncle" present for him). And after the 7 week ultrasound when we saw that tiny heart beating, I told people at work and my boss. You know, there is only a 1% chance of miscarriage after you see that beating heart.
1% seems so small, but in hindsight, it was looming right in front of us. On the evening of September 26, 2007, at 11 weeks 1 day pregnant, I came home to find some blood when I wiped after going to the bathroom. Frantic, we headed to the ER, where I was given an ultrasound and a Rhogam shot and told everything looked fine, but to follow up the next day with my regular OB. September 27, Bobby went to work and I made an appointment with my regular OB. I told him to stay at work, that we had been reassured the night before that everything was fine
and I didn't want him to waste the sick time. And I had no spotting since the previous night. But an hour before the appointment, I went to the bathroom and found blood again. I called Bobby and told him he better come with me. An hour later, the ultrasound tech confirmed that we had indeed lost our peanut.
3 years later, the hurt has dulled a bit. I can still cry about it today, but I can now talk about all of it without breaking down most days. I have found a voice in myself and have helped others through the process of infertility, etc. I have gotten several comments regarding this blog from people I didn't even know were struggling with the same issues we are.
Since my miscarriage, we have lost 3 important people in our lives that our children will only know through stories and pictures. But I know Dean, Scott and my grandpa are with our peanut now, trying to ease the hurt that all 4 of them have left in our hearts.
I can only hope that soon I will look into the eyes of my living, breathing child and see the reflection of our little peanut in them and know that they had a hand in our newest miracle.
Thank you to the family who has always been there for us . . . sometimes I feel silly holding on to this anniversary, like I should just get over it or something. But then someone else always remembers, and someone reaches out . . . and I realize I don't have to forget either.
Let our new journey begin!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Someone to love
I probably shouldn't be posting this while riding the tide of emotions that are washing through me right now.
At 12:58 pm this afternoon, it was announced that Dubuque police recovered what appears to be human remains in the backyard of a house. The house is occupied by a mother and her 6 kids. The police came to be in that backyard because someone notified police that the 2 year old little girl that lived there had not been seen for at least a month, maybe longer. The mother refused to cooperate with police and sent them on wild goose chase after wild goose chase, all along knowing that the child they were looking for was buried in the same backyard that she had played in with her friends and siblings only months earlier. I saw and talked to some of the officers, investigators and county attorney employees both yesterday when this all started and today. I know that they were working 24 hours a day, praying under their breath, so that they could find this child safe and unharmed. I saw their fatigue battling with their desperation to find this baby.
20 months old is too young to die, but no one of any age should have their last thought on earth be that the person they loved the most is the one who hurt them the most.
To you Tamelia Harris, I say this: There are thousands of women out there who would give anything to have the beautiful children that you do. Thousands of women would have taken Cecelia and loved her like a mother should. Hell, I would have taken her and loved her if you couldn't. We shouldn't even call you her mother, because a real mother could never, NEVER, do what you did.
At 12:58 pm this afternoon, it was announced that Dubuque police recovered what appears to be human remains in the backyard of a house. The house is occupied by a mother and her 6 kids. The police came to be in that backyard because someone notified police that the 2 year old little girl that lived there had not been seen for at least a month, maybe longer. The mother refused to cooperate with police and sent them on wild goose chase after wild goose chase, all along knowing that the child they were looking for was buried in the same backyard that she had played in with her friends and siblings only months earlier. I saw and talked to some of the officers, investigators and county attorney employees both yesterday when this all started and today. I know that they were working 24 hours a day, praying under their breath, so that they could find this child safe and unharmed. I saw their fatigue battling with their desperation to find this baby.
20 months old is too young to die, but no one of any age should have their last thought on earth be that the person they loved the most is the one who hurt them the most.
To you Tamelia Harris, I say this: There are thousands of women out there who would give anything to have the beautiful children that you do. Thousands of women would have taken Cecelia and loved her like a mother should. Hell, I would have taken her and loved her if you couldn't. We shouldn't even call you her mother, because a real mother could never, NEVER, do what you did.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Independence Day!
Recently, a friend started fertility treatments. Unfortunately, their first treatment failed :( I tried to muster up my most helpful words of encouragement, hope, faith and strength. Easier said than done. After 6 years, it was difficult to find the words of optimism that we all need when we are down. The platitudes of "It will happen," "It was only your first try," "Don't give up, it took my other friend 6 times to get pregnant," seemed to be just words of comfort with little truth behind them. I have heard them month after month after month from family, friends, and co-workers. But then again, aren't those the same words that have kept me going back month after month after month to try one more time?
I finally found the words for my friend that rang with truth and still had that element of comfort and compassionate, but without the false platitudes. I told my friend that the best way to get through the hardships of infertility is to do it with your partner. No one else "gets it" like they do. No one else sees every hot flash, every mood swing, every pill that you take, every shot in the thigh, every tear that falls out of disappointment and frustration, or the 3 minutes of anticipation while we wait to read the test. And no one, NO ONE, will be as happy when that test comes up +.
I followed that insightful comment with some advice: When the treatments fail, do something spontaneous and fun that makes all of your friends with kids jealous! Celebrate your couple time! This doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive, just spur of the moment. Bobby and I can pack up and leave at a moments notice for vacations, nights out, dinners, movies, boat and bike rides, etc. without worrying about having a babysitter, a kid being sick, waking up at some God awful hour in the morning with a crying baby or packing for anyone but ourselves.
I look back at the last 6 years at all of the things we have done together that we couldn't have done had children come right away. That is time that will forever be precious to both of us. We also had time live and love together, to work as a team, manage a budget, a household, chores, etc.
During our first years of marriage we began trying for a baby. After 2 years we became pregnant and lost our baby at almost 12 weeks. Marriages crumble under much less stress than that. But as a strong couple, we have navigated the harsh realities of miscarriages and infertility and become stronger (minus some bumps in the road) for it! Could we have done that right out of the gate? Maybe or maybe not.
The harsh reality is that one day we might wake up to the realization that having a baby is just not going to happen for us. But at least I know that if that day comes, I will still have a strong and healthy marriage to hold me up. And really, isn't that the type of relationship we want to bring our children into anyway? It isn't easy, that is for sure, but it is so worth it in the end.
This weekend we celebrate Independence Day. Bobby and I are celebrating our "no-kids" status by having a party on our boat, having adult cocktails and watching the fireworks. We plan to celebrate the independence that is afforded to us now, in the hopes that next year we may have "other" things to be taking care of, if you get my drift! Do the same!
I finally found the words for my friend that rang with truth and still had that element of comfort and compassionate, but without the false platitudes. I told my friend that the best way to get through the hardships of infertility is to do it with your partner. No one else "gets it" like they do. No one else sees every hot flash, every mood swing, every pill that you take, every shot in the thigh, every tear that falls out of disappointment and frustration, or the 3 minutes of anticipation while we wait to read the test. And no one, NO ONE, will be as happy when that test comes up +.
I followed that insightful comment with some advice: When the treatments fail, do something spontaneous and fun that makes all of your friends with kids jealous! Celebrate your couple time! This doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive, just spur of the moment. Bobby and I can pack up and leave at a moments notice for vacations, nights out, dinners, movies, boat and bike rides, etc. without worrying about having a babysitter, a kid being sick, waking up at some God awful hour in the morning with a crying baby or packing for anyone but ourselves.
I look back at the last 6 years at all of the things we have done together that we couldn't have done had children come right away. That is time that will forever be precious to both of us. We also had time live and love together, to work as a team, manage a budget, a household, chores, etc.
During our first years of marriage we began trying for a baby. After 2 years we became pregnant and lost our baby at almost 12 weeks. Marriages crumble under much less stress than that. But as a strong couple, we have navigated the harsh realities of miscarriages and infertility and become stronger (minus some bumps in the road) for it! Could we have done that right out of the gate? Maybe or maybe not.
The harsh reality is that one day we might wake up to the realization that having a baby is just not going to happen for us. But at least I know that if that day comes, I will still have a strong and healthy marriage to hold me up. And really, isn't that the type of relationship we want to bring our children into anyway? It isn't easy, that is for sure, but it is so worth it in the end.
This weekend we celebrate Independence Day. Bobby and I are celebrating our "no-kids" status by having a party on our boat, having adult cocktails and watching the fireworks. We plan to celebrate the independence that is afforded to us now, in the hopes that next year we may have "other" things to be taking care of, if you get my drift! Do the same!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Infertility Sucks!
Bobby and I decided to take a break from our infertility treatments over this summer. We recently purchased a pontoon boat and have been enjoying lazy weekends on the river and lounging on the beaches with friends and cocktails. It has so far been a summer of rejuvenation and putting everything baby-related to the back of our minds. It has also been a time to help lessen the anxiety and depression that was gradually getting worse and worse for me with each month of failure. So far I have lost 22 pounds! Eating well and exercising regularly have definitely improved my mood.
This year, the Dubuque/Delaware Coalition against Domestic Violence (of which I am on the board) is doing a 5K Run/Walk called the Race Against Violence on October 16, 2010 to generate funds for our Victim Assistance Fund. The Victim Assistance Fund helps members of our community who have been affected by domestic or sexual violence and need emergency funds for things like changing of locks, new doors, deposits on new residences, a place to stay if residence is damaged during assault, etc.
After starting this blog, many people contacted me to share similar stories of either infertility or difficulties in conceiving. I am always happy to share any of the information I have gathered during my journey and love being a support for others who are navigating through fertility treatments, doctors appointments, etc. When someone I know has been struggling gets pregnant, it is a win for all of us in this position, because it shows that it can happen for each of us.
Because of my new healthier habits, I have decided to RUN in the Race Against Violence in October. I have started training on my elliptical and by doing some outside running/walking. My goal is to help raise money for a good cause, to do something that challenges me, and to make me feel better about myself. Because it is a constant fight to not let infertility define me, I plan on wearing an "Infertility Sucks" t-shirt, since that is what inspired me to get healthy and challenge myself to run the race in the first place!
If anyone would like to join me, just let me know.
Amazing Ignorance
It absolutely amazes me every day how much women in our society DO NOT know about their own body. I can admit to that being the case 6 years ago. Granted, I knew all the basic mechanics of things like periods, ovulation, sex, pregnancy, etc. but didn't really know the nitty gritty details. Boy oh boy, do I look back at that now and laugh.
A doctor told me recently that he had a patient come in seeking help for infertility. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. When the doc asked her what medications she was taking, she told him she was taking a multi-vitamin and her birth control pills every day! Um, did it ever occur to her that birth control pills prevented pregnancy, therefore the reason she had not conceived. The doc said it shocked him because she was a well educated professional woman. My response to the doc when he was telling me this was, "You didn't tell her did you? If she is that dumb, we don't need her to reproduce!"
Going through all of the testing that comes with infertility and then the treatments and procedures, I have learned way more about my bodily systems then I ever thought possible, and that was after taking anatomy and gross anatomy for 4 years in college!
When little girls answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with the words, "A mommy," no one tells them that they should start reading up on their basal body temperature, studying their cervical mucus, looking for ovulation pain and charting their cycles. I know half of you just read that and scratched your head in confusion . . . see what I mean about the amount of stuff that women don't know about their bodies!
Another funny story courtesy of one of my doctors . . . . One of the side effects of fertility medication is often dryness "down there." So doctors, nurses, reproductive endocrinologists and infertility veterans often recommend using Robitussin to increase cervical mucus. One doctor told a patient about this little trick and sent her on her way. She came back a month or two later and the doctor asked her how the Robitussin was working. She replied that she thought it was working, but did he have anything he could recommend that was "less messy?" OK seriously, the woman was using it as lube instead of taking it orally. Can you imagine the mess that Robitussin would leave after a hot and heavy session?
Once the doc has trained you on all of those things and introduced you to the magical world of Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's), you get to start concentrating on the male aspect of everything. Everyone, guys and girls, think men just shoot out all these fishy looking white sperm with little eyes and smiles. Little did anyone know that now the doc is going to look at those smiling spermies and count them, dissect them, study how fast they swim, what direction they swim, and whether they can tell their heads from their, um, "tails." Then they call you and tell you that they counted many millions of sperm and you think "Rock on!" But then they tell you this is way less than what is considered normal. Really? There has got to be a man joke in all of this somewhere. You know, something along the lines of "Must be a guy thing, 10 million sperm and not one of them will stop and ask for directions!"
I have said many times over that by the time Bobby and I finally manage to conceive our children, I should at least be qualified to get certificaton as an infertility nurse somewhere. Seriously! Since beginning this journey I have become an expert on estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, and my hormone levels, I can pee on a stick while still half asleep or even in the bathroom at work, I can recognize ovulation by the pains in my abdomen, the soreness of my boobs and my temperature on any given day, I can usually guess quite accurately how many eggs I have growing in there, I know the difference between sperm count, motility and morphology, and I can give myself a shot in the thigh, hip or stomach after mixing the appropriate doses of the medication myself. Sounds like the equivilent of 4 years of college training to me!
All kidding aside, I look back over the past 6 years of our TTC journey and am amazed at how much I have learned. Not that I really wanted to learn it, and I think I would have been OK going through life not having learned these lessons, but I am still amazed at how much I didn't know about the basics of creating a new life. So now that I have my education, can I please reap some rewards? Is it too much to ask for a baby, or maybe two?
A doctor told me recently that he had a patient come in seeking help for infertility. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. When the doc asked her what medications she was taking, she told him she was taking a multi-vitamin and her birth control pills every day! Um, did it ever occur to her that birth control pills prevented pregnancy, therefore the reason she had not conceived. The doc said it shocked him because she was a well educated professional woman. My response to the doc when he was telling me this was, "You didn't tell her did you? If she is that dumb, we don't need her to reproduce!"
Going through all of the testing that comes with infertility and then the treatments and procedures, I have learned way more about my bodily systems then I ever thought possible, and that was after taking anatomy and gross anatomy for 4 years in college!
When little girls answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with the words, "A mommy," no one tells them that they should start reading up on their basal body temperature, studying their cervical mucus, looking for ovulation pain and charting their cycles. I know half of you just read that and scratched your head in confusion . . . see what I mean about the amount of stuff that women don't know about their bodies!
Another funny story courtesy of one of my doctors . . . . One of the side effects of fertility medication is often dryness "down there." So doctors, nurses, reproductive endocrinologists and infertility veterans often recommend using Robitussin to increase cervical mucus. One doctor told a patient about this little trick and sent her on her way. She came back a month or two later and the doctor asked her how the Robitussin was working. She replied that she thought it was working, but did he have anything he could recommend that was "less messy?" OK seriously, the woman was using it as lube instead of taking it orally. Can you imagine the mess that Robitussin would leave after a hot and heavy session?
Once the doc has trained you on all of those things and introduced you to the magical world of Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK's), you get to start concentrating on the male aspect of everything. Everyone, guys and girls, think men just shoot out all these fishy looking white sperm with little eyes and smiles. Little did anyone know that now the doc is going to look at those smiling spermies and count them, dissect them, study how fast they swim, what direction they swim, and whether they can tell their heads from their, um, "tails." Then they call you and tell you that they counted many millions of sperm and you think "Rock on!" But then they tell you this is way less than what is considered normal. Really? There has got to be a man joke in all of this somewhere. You know, something along the lines of "Must be a guy thing, 10 million sperm and not one of them will stop and ask for directions!"
I have said many times over that by the time Bobby and I finally manage to conceive our children, I should at least be qualified to get certificaton as an infertility nurse somewhere. Seriously! Since beginning this journey I have become an expert on estrogen, testosterone, progesterone, and my hormone levels, I can pee on a stick while still half asleep or even in the bathroom at work, I can recognize ovulation by the pains in my abdomen, the soreness of my boobs and my temperature on any given day, I can usually guess quite accurately how many eggs I have growing in there, I know the difference between sperm count, motility and morphology, and I can give myself a shot in the thigh, hip or stomach after mixing the appropriate doses of the medication myself. Sounds like the equivilent of 4 years of college training to me!
All kidding aside, I look back over the past 6 years of our TTC journey and am amazed at how much I have learned. Not that I really wanted to learn it, and I think I would have been OK going through life not having learned these lessons, but I am still amazed at how much I didn't know about the basics of creating a new life. So now that I have my education, can I please reap some rewards? Is it too much to ask for a baby, or maybe two?
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